You know the mothers. The ones who are teary eyed at every ultrasound photo, talk about the amazing bond with their bump and had a magical moment of pure love straight after birth.
Wasn’t you? That doesn’t make you a bad parent – it just places you squarely somewhere on the wide gauge of completely normal.
Just like every medical, physical, emotional and mental aspect of pregnancy, bonding doesn’t happen the same for every mother.
Having a child is just like any other relationship; how you approach it will be based on your own life, what type of person you are and your own way of expressing and feeling emotions. In adult relationships, some people fall in love at first sight, others in a few days and others take longer. Much the same can be said for having a baby.
Sure, sometimes there are other reasons that bonding and attachment doesn’t happen when you expect it to. Common reasons for not bonding include:
- In a first pregnancy especially, it can be hard to equate the wiggles in your belly with a real human life.
- If you’ve experienced previous miscarriages or had a traumatic birth such as a long labor and c/section.
- If your baby has been away from you for a long period of time, due to health reasons.
- If you’ve suffered from depression, this can also impact on bonding.
- You may simply be a late bonder. Even without any of the above reasons, some mothers simply need to build a relationship with this new little stranger in their lives.
One mother describes her late bonding experience:
The first time I saw my baby I thought she was cute. Red, messy, a stranger. But cute, like a friend’s baby I was meeting for the first time. There was no magical bond or fireworks. I wanted to hold her, but only because I thought she looked fragile and needed me. Well, I knew she needed me, I was her mother. But I didn’t feel it yet. I had no medical reason not to bond – it was a relatively good labor and she spent the first few hours on my chest. It wasn’t till we got home from hospital, during those first few weeks of seeing that she was a real person with character and personality, that I started to bond with her and build this awesome relationship with her.
Remember: motherhood is a relationship. No relationship is built at the same rate, or with the same actions. Don’t rely on what other people’s interpretation of ‘normal’ is for your feelings about your child.
Susannah is a certified Birth Doula through Childbirth International and the founder of Trimester Talk. With a background in journalism and digital strategy, she combines evidence-based research with real-world knowledge to create accessible content about pregnancy and parenting. She’s a mother of two and stepmother of two more, all of them now teenagers.
Great post Susannah. Thank you. So well put. When I was pregnant with my son, I enjoyed being pregnant except for being very, very sick from the time I was one week pregnant until he came out. I feel, in retrospect, that I missed out on a lot of the warm fuzzes during pregnancy because I was so terribly ill the whole time. However, my husband and I did make an effort. What I found to help was a week-by-week baby growth/development book. It is amazing to think about the miraculous creation that is happening during that nine months, and that certainly helped. There are a lot of great books and blogs out there to serve this purpose, but the one I’m reading now blows all the others away, and it’s great for every pregnancy, not just the first. Not only does it have even more development details than usual, and personalized, it has a section in it where you can journal or write letters to baby. It’s called “The Wonder Within You: celebrating your baby’s journey from conception to birth” by Carey Wickersham. It’s an awesome combination of week-to-week information, what’s going on with the baby, “Did you know?” plus health advice about what to eat, cravings, nutrition, etc, BUT also with awesome 3D/4D pictures and videos you can link or QR with your phone to and see what your baby looks like at each week stage. I’ve just not seen anything exactly like it! It’s got famous quotes and real mom stories, too. The pregnancy information is as up-to-date as it gets and it’s such a great keepsake. I want to get one for everybody I know who is expecting! I highly recommend it! http://www.TheWonderWithinYou.com.