In a world where stereotypes brand young children as the responsibility of the mother, it can still come as a rude shock to many new mums when they suddenly realise that caring for their baby is a 24/7 job – often with only a few hour breaks used for sleeping!
In the baby advertisements, glowing parents stare down at their babies adoringly, looking fresh and happy. What they don’t tell you about is the time when neither parent has had sleep due to a screaming baby and they’re making evil eyes at each other, pretending that they didn’t notice the dirty nappy – and hoping the other parent will change it so they can collapse from exhaustion.
So if it feels like your man isn’t pulling his weight, is there something wrong with him? Is he a bad father? Maybe not – here are some reasons he may not be helping as much as you want.
- He thinks you don’t need him. Sometimes you have to show him that you need a hand. If you’re upset or not handling things, don’t cry alone in the shower – let him know! Don’t be afraid to let him know you’re worried you won’t do everything right, or ask for his input on certain decisions for baby (such as clothing, or whether baby is too hot/cold).
- He doesn’t know how to help. Men often assume that women have that ‘mummy instinct’ and know all about crying, feeding, bedding and the dozens of different things relating to baby care. It can be overwhelming when they don’t feel they know what to do. Solution? Give him a job that’s all his. Whether it’s bathtime, storytime or putting baby to bed with cuddles, give him a way to bond that he can do each day, and with practice he’ll be bragging he’s better at it than you!
- He’s worried about hurting baby. Babies are tiny and fragile looking and many men are worried they’ll hurt baby by holding them wrong or doing something wrong. Explain to him that you’re scared of doing something wrong too – and don’t forget to mention that babies are very forgiving. If you put their nappy on backwards or forget to button up their jacket, they won’t hold it against you!
- He just doesn’t really like babies. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing! It can be a combination of the above reasons, but it can also be that your man is better at interacting once children are a little older (when they can crawl or walk and communicate in their own way). For some men, once a baby starts to grow up, talk and walk, is when a real bond starts. As long as he’s willing to help out with nappies or caring for baby when you need it, don’t stress too much if he doesn’t want to read stories and play peek-a-boo straight away – soon baby will be following him around begging him for those things anyway!
Susannah is a certified Birth Doula through Childbirth International and the founder of Trimester Talk. With a background in journalism and digital strategy, she combines evidence-based research with real-world knowledge to create accessible content about pregnancy and parenting. She’s a mother of two and stepmother of two more, all of them now teenagers.